Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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