break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
