Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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