Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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