My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
