i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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