Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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