im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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