she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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