At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
