I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
