fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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