i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We talked him into tasing himself.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
