and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
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