why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
