This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
