I think my vagina is haunted
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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