So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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