nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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