Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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