I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
