come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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