i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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