I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
