Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
