Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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