Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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