Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
