so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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