So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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