Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
