last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
