Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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