According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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