I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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