Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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