Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
