Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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