You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
