After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
