I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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