And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
