Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
