I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
