Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
