so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
