i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i would one night stand the shit outta him
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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