Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
