As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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