upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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