I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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