if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
