i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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