I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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