i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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