"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
