so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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