Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
